Finding the 'happy place' in dementia

What stories do you like telling the best? 

Chances are it’ll be stories about your happiest and most enjoyable times of your life.  For me, telling such stories brings a smile to my face, and makes me happy recounting feelings of joy, fun and connection. 

For people living with dementia, I call such stories their ‘happy place’. 

This ‘happy place’ is often crucial to helping the person retain a firm sense of who they are.  In a world that may be chaotic, where things don’t always make sense, it is vital that they are given the opportunity to be in their comfort zone with what they know, and what is real for them.  I strongly believe this helps maintain a person with dementia’s dignity and respect.  It can also help maintain connections with friends and family, when a person with dementia may struggle with communication changes. 

I always remember a dear family friend of mum and dad; his only way of connecting with mum and dad was to talk about the ‘happy old times’ that they shared living on boats.  He said that these stories helped maintain his joyous connection with them both. 

To find a person living with dementia’s ‘happy place’ start with their history and background, their interests and stories.  Take my dad for example; he lived on boat for a lot of his 93-years, so anything to do with sailing was his happy place.  He also loved music and playing the guitar.   

In the earlier years of dad’s dementia, talking about his ‘happy place’ was as simple as starting the conversation by saying “the weather looks good for a sail today”, and he would be off talking about sailing.  I would ask him questions that I knew he could answer about his old boats, the days he sailed around the Isle of Wight, or his adventure sailing from England to NZ.  His face would light up and he was animated; he understood and connected with the conversation.  Yes, I heard the same stories over and over again, but I learnt to relax and be content in dad’s happiness.  Also getting out the guitar and singing old songs with dad, or putting on some music was his other ‘happy place’. 

Unfortunately, as dad’s dementia progressed, finding his ‘happy place’ became harder, mainly due to his brain changes from his vascular dementia.  In the end, even singing or listening to music stressed dad; we found that holding his hand and just being with him became his new ‘happy place’. 

Be aware that it’s not always easy to find someone’s ‘happy place’; it can sometimes take trial and error to figure out.  Also, a person living with dementia’s ‘happy place’ may change as their memories change.  For example, my mum’s ‘happy place’ went from having children and living on a boat, to being back in Switzerland when she was a teenager. 

In a world full of change and uncertainty, I’m pretty sure that we all would want to be in our ‘happy place’, to retain a sense of what we know and who we are. 

I encourage you to make it your new goal to leave people living with dementia in their ‘happy place’ as often as possible.  If nothing else, I promise you it will do wonders for your relationship!