Celebrations with dementia

The Christmas season of celebrations, festivities, family and friends is almost upon us.  My sister and I continued celebrating all such occasions with mum and dad because that is what good daughters should do, right?

My way of thinking changed the day we celebrated mum’s 80th birthday.  We had a small family gathering at my house with a cake, beautiful flowers and cards.  When the cake came out and we started singing happy birthday to her, mum turned to me and asked “who’s birthday is it?”.  When I told her it was hers and that she was 80, she became upset because a) she couldn’t remember it was her birthday and b) she couldn’t believe she was that old!  After asking me the same question repeatedly with growing distress, I quickly realised that I needed to find a ‘loving lie’ to avoid her embarrassment and anxiety.  Instead, I told her it was someone else’s birthday, to whom she promptly turned to and wished them happy birthday.  Thankfully they had the understanding and grace to accept her best wishes, many times over, and she was none the wiser. 

When I sat back and thought about her birthday celebrations, I realised we had made the assumptions that mum would remember her birthday and that she knew how old she was.  When our reality confronted, and clashed with her reality and understanding, she became distressed, upset and confused.  Which was the last thing we wanted her to experience on any day, let alone her birthday.  

For the next few years whilst her cognitive function remained at this level, my sister and I did not celebrate her birthday.  Some people probably thought that we were awful daughters, but what was of greater importance was ensuring mum stayed in her happy place, in her reality.  Instead, we celebrated mum’s life almost every week with morning tea (often with cake!) with family and friends, and whomever was a part of her life who wanted to spend time with her. 

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t celebrate the birthday of someone living with dementia, absolutely not.  What I am saying is that whatever we do, regardless of social norms and expectations, we should always be asking ourselves the question, “does this best support my loved one living with dementia”?  And if the situation doesn’t, think about how you can adapt the day, change our expectations, and support the person to be the happiest they can be in their reality, in their moment and time, wherever that may be. 

And don’t forget that we can celebrate a person living with dementia’s life by simply spending time with them, holding their hand and accepting their world of dementia.  Making them feel dignified, respected, safe and loved is a priceless gift that each and every one of us are capable of giving.   

I encourage you to make this your Christmas gift to everyone living with dementia.