Kindness and compassion

On New Years Day someone asked me what I hoped for in 2025.  My reply was kindness and compassion, which got me thinking. Over my 16 years of being in the world of dementia, I realised that three people have inspired me with their exceptional kindness and compassion towards people living with dementia.

A person living with dementia, a volunteer and a chaplain. 

They encouraged me to take a closer look at myself, and develop a more compassionate approach to people living with dementia.  I learnt the following lessons from these amazing people:

To accept people living with dementia for who they are in the moment, walk in their shoes and validate their reality.  Understand that they are doing their very best with their given brain changes, however that may look.  I agree that it’s not always easy to do, but being kind is not asking them to conform to our reality. 

Western society is much more accepting of a child’s reality than a person living with dementia.  It is totally normal for children to believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, and we often take great lengths to kindly ensure children are not upset by the truth. 

I find it sad that a common reaction to a person living with dementia’s different reality is to correct them, or say “no”.  For example, they may think that they are still working, or their mother is still alive; all of which they actually experienced.  Not accepting their reality can cause anxiety, confusion and emotional distress.  This provides no space for kindness or compassion; instead, I would argue it offers a place of unkindness and disconnection. 

Another inspirational lesson I learnt was maintaining the person living with dementia’s dignity and respect.  This comes with being ready to say “I’m sorry”, even though it may not be your fault.  This can take a lot of compassion and understanding; I had to practice this for a while before I was OK with leaving my ego and pride behind. 

Dignity and respect are allowing the person living with dementia to feel like they have some control over their life. This can be as simple as giving the person with dementia two choices of clothing to wear.  It also involves adapting and supporting their daily living so the person can continue to find purpose and thrive.  For example, guiding the person’s hand to help initiate muscle memory to use utensils to eat. 

The ability to find the person living with dementia’s ‘happy place’ was another invaluable lesson that I learnt.  Finding the memories that fuel the person’s self and identity can cause them to ‘light up’, leaving them with a sense of happiness that can continue for a number of hours.  It means that you are also willing to have the same conversation over and over again, whilst not getting annoyed or angry with their repetition.  It can sometimes take a while to find their happy place, so you have to be willing to try different approaches and be patient. 

I found underpinning all these examples of kindness and compassion was humour.  The ability to see the funny side of things, to lighten the mood.  Or to simply bring a smile to people’s faces to brighten the moment.  A smile that conveys warmth and kindness.   

Kindness and compassion are a universal requirement to flourish and live our happiest lives.  People living with dementia deserve the same; they are valuable human beings just like you and I, who deserve to feel loved, respected and safe. 

Why not make this our new year’s resolution for 2025.